The Big Bad Kiba and Other Twisted Naruto Shorts
by Marthroyboy
Summary: By RICK, Loki, and Naka. A collection of very strange Naruto short stories. Prepare to be disturbed. Ch 2 UP! The Big Bad Kiba, POETRY STYLE! R&R or face the wrath of wereKiba!
1. When Kabuto Never Washed his hands

**When Kabuto never washed his hands.**

Sakon, Ukon, Jirobo, Orochimaru, Kimimaro, Tayuya, and Kidomaru were seated at the kitchen table while Kabuto was a few feet away preparing dinner.

Tayuya whispered to me rudely, as usual, "Hey! Sakon! Ukon! You with the two heads! Look at Kabuto, just LOOK at him!"

I peered at Kabuto who was chop chopping meat for our dinner. I grimaced as he saw Kabuto pick at wedgie and continue cutting the food.

I groaned, "Thank you, Tayuya, for that beautiful visual."

Tayuya glared, "Shut your trap, shithead," she paused in the sentence to sneer at me, "it gets worse."

Kabuto wiped his hand across his face to remove, WHO really knows what- from his nose. He then continued chop-chopping.

I stared with a horror-struck look on my face, although Tayuya later told me that I looked completely constipated.

Finally a few minutes later Kabuto had our dinner ready. He handed each person a plate, after scratching that nerdy-butt of his a few times. Jirobo and myself hadn't received our food yet.

Kabuto scratched his ass for the twelfth time, I personally counted, he and took the time to re-organize Jirobo's food before handing him his plate.

Kabuto smiled, "I took the liberty of making your food especially meaty-for big sound ninjas to grow big and strong." He said like a mother reject.

The second that Jirobo's food was placed in front of him, it launched directly on to his face, and knocked him to the ground. He began screaming and rolling around, trying to pry that leech-like thing off his face.

The sound-nins, and myself stared with amazement.

Orochimaru-sama just smiled at him and said, "Kabuto, your dinners are as healthy and nutritious as ever."

Kabuto smiled back, "Only the best for you all."

Orochimaru looked to Jirobo on the ground screaming and rolling about and said, "That's right Jirobo, eat this wonderful food and grow big and strong."

Jirobo could only give a muffled scream in reply.

Orochimaru looked satisfied with that reply and smashed his face into his own dinner and began eating, in a really gross and unattractive way.

Kabuto then glanced to my dinner, I could tell it was mine because it said, 'To Sakon and Ukon' in a greasy substance I did not want to know what was. He stopped before he picked it up to hand it to me and scratched his ass.

"You don't have to go through the trouble." I said, a little fiercely.

He smiled, "It's no problem." He picked up my plate and held it a foot away from my arms' reach. I even tried to have Ukon help me get it before he did, but it was too late, my dinner was as good as gone.

To my happiness, he decided not to re-organize my food with his hands and in what seemed like slow-motion, my food came to me.

He stopped, "Oh, wait… wait…" the scratching continued.

Suddenly, he moved my green-whatever-it-was, with his dirty little hands and began moving the food on my plate around. He might as well have just stuck that food right up his ass, cuz' his hands were probably just as dirty.

I hate to say I exploded, but yeah, I did. I yelled, "Stop fuckin' scratching that nerdy ass of yours! Some of us have to eat this shit! You bastard! FUCK IT!"

Orochimaru didn't say anything, Tayuya applauded but then went silent, Kidomaru and Kimimaro stared, and I think even the screams from Jirobo faded away. Either that or he suffocated.

I stood up, pulled the chop-chopping knife from Kabuto, and slammed it down to my hand, hard.

Let me just say, pain did not matter now. I chopped off my finger without a second thought. Even Ukon was surprised.

I broke the silence, "Orochimaru-sama, I just chopped off my finger, may I be excused?"

Orochimaru asked, "Eh? How deep is it?"

I tried to move my now stub for a finger and found that I couldn't. As blood trickled down my hand I replied, "Pretty deep sir."

Orochimaru looked at the wound, then seemed to consider it before muttering, "Alright Sakon, you're excused."

I got up hurried, but not fast enough to avoid seeing Kabuto do that gay-ass glasses flash look. I knew that bastard was planning something, I had to find out for my fellow sound nins before it was too late. As I got up to leave to go wrap my wounds, I couldn't help but linger watching him in the hallway, despite the blood trickling down my arm and my skin turning even more pale.

I watched as Kabuto began tapping his nose and then finally picking out an unnaturally-large booger, tossing it from hand to hand.

It had been the first dinner Kimimaro had had with us in a while and his sickly-face, yawned for a while and he leaned back in his chair. With his mouth wiiiiiide open.

I saw that look. That sick twisted look on Kabuto's face. That sick bastard couldn't resist the temptation. Putting the booger on one hand, like a runway, he flicked the booger off his disgusting hands right into Kimimaro's open mouth.

Kimimaro gave a sound like an infant choking, and I swear turned an ocean blue for a split second, then fell backwards, tipping the chair over. There he lay, looking petrified, spread eagle, with his legs straight up in the air.

Kabuto got up. "Oops, his disease must be acting up again. Don't worry, everyone, I'll fix him." The twisted sound nin picked up Kimimaro by the legs and dragged him down the hallway, towards the medical room. I HAD to follow.

I went to go get bandages for my bloody finger when I noticed Kimimaro strapped in the hospital bed, actually conscious.

Kimimaro answered meekly, "Well doctor, I suddenly felt so sick that I just fainted."

I noted that Kabuto was busy half listening, half playing with some medical pliers. …Or just random pliers. I don't know.

"Yep yup, Kimimaro, I'll fix you up real good." Kabuto said after scratching his butt for the now fifteenth time.

Kimimaro noticed this and said, "Umm… aren't you going to wash your hands first?"

Kabuto shook his head and kept that perky smile of his intact, "Nope."

Kimimaro cocked his head, "Are you at least going to put on some gloves?"

Kabuto shook his head again; I could feel Kimimaro getting scared.

Kimimaro said, "Well could you clean up a bit?"

Kabuto took that dumb smile off his face and shrugged, "If it really bothers you so much Kimimaro-kun." He grabbed a deodorant stick and started viggorusly applying it to his arm pits.

Kabuto grinned as he took a nearby scalpel from the shelf and walked towards him, "Now relax Kimimaro, I'll just cut you open and replace all those bad organs with flaming Twinkies!"

Kimimaro asked, "Are you sure you know what your doing?"

Kabuto said, "C'mon Kimimaro, how many times have I done this before?"

Kimimaro sighed in relief, "Okay."

I gasped, I couldn't allow our medic to replace our squad leader's vital organs with flaming snack cakes. I broke away from my hiding place and threw myself on Kabuto. (Actually half of that was me falling over from blood loss)

I fought him off until his hands instinctively went to my face and I smelled something that shouldn't be smelled ever again by the whole of man-kind, or anything with a nose. If amoebas could smell, they didn't deserve that either. Then, it all went black and I knew I was slipping into unconsciousness, either that, or the stench alone had burned my eyes out.

End of Chapter 1

Loki whined, "Aww… man, we haven't finished it yet!"

RICK gave her a noggie and said, "It's a collection of short stories! You don't want to be hypocritical, little sister."

Loki smiled, "Let's choose the person we want to say what's going to happen in the next chapter! And when I say 'let's' I mean me."

RICK scowled. "'Let's' not. You WANT to have reviews, don't you?"

Loki crossed her arms, "Okay Nakadai, YOU say what'll happen in the next chapter."

Nakadai forced her way in front of everyone else. "Next chapter will be in nursery rhyme style, and it will feature KIBA! HELL YEAH! THAT'S DANM RIGHT!"

RICK sighed, knowing what was coming. "Screw this, I'm going to go get a croissant."

Nakadai began spazing out. "KIBA! OH YEAH! YOU CAN'T SAY KIBA WITHOUT A 'BA' FINE SEXY HOT GORGEOUS BOY SEXY HOT HOTNESS!"

RICK returned with a croissant in his mouth. "For my health, Loki, you can say the next chapter."

Loki saluted. "Got you there captain."


	2. The Big Bad Kiba

The night was filled with an eerie sound.

Swift paws racing across the ground.

For every full moon at night

Turns Kiba into a monstrous fright.

He snarls, growls and prances

And invites Akamaru to polka dances.

This night however, he forms a grin

And decides to visit Hinata at the inn,

He kicked open the door quick and loud,

Hinata couldn't even make a sound.

Before Kiba could scratch or bite

(Crawling on all fours, what a sight!)

Hinata leapt out the window

(Kiba, now finding this quite boring, suspecting she forgot the distance to the ground was five stories)

Kiba found he could not stay and

Decided to hunt down Neji who was miles away.

Kiba hurried to Neji, panting hard

But not without stealing Hinata's credit card.

Kiba arrived with haste

His time as a werewolf, he would not waste.

Kiba noted that Neji was not happy to see him,

All furry and bloated

This was to such an extreme

That Neji's eyes exploded.

Kiba, not really thinking that night

Went and blew up Neji's white eyes out of spite.

Kiba took two strands of his werewolf hair

And tied the eyes, trapping the air.

Kiba chuckled at his boon.

Neji's eyes made two white balloons.

Kiba put the balloons in his pockets,

While Neji ran around with empty eye sockets.

Kiba pondered for his next attack

Then realizing he wanted a snack

'But who?' He questioned in his mind

Until he saw Choji from behind.

"That piggy ninja!" Kiba sneered.

"There's plenty of meat stored in his rear!"

However Suddenly Kiba found that his nose felt rather stuffy

He hadn't caught a cold since he was a puppy.

But nonetheless Kiba blew

A great big ol' ACH OO!

Then Little Chouji began to pray

But Kiba blew his chips away.

Off the sidewalk and into the street,

Then Chouji made a desperate leap.

After his chips the young nin went

He retrieved his bag of chips, only slightly bent.

But Chouji deserves praise.

He went into the street with such grace.

Personally, his landing was a plus,

Until of course the double Decker bus,

Came speeding along the turn and hit em' hard.

Kiba couldn't even steal _his_ credit card.

Chouji was much flatter that day.

Kiba was just sad that he lost his prey.

And so to a new one he chose,

The one that still pains his nose.

….

….

Uzumaki Naruto of course!

Kiba turned the corner and ran

Right towards the Ichiraku Ramen stand.

While Naruto made the decision of what Ramen to buy,

Kiba tried to make an incision on Naruto's thigh.

Naruto gave a yell of surprise,

At Kiba's hungry eyes.

"Oye, Kiba, what are you doing?"

Naruto said, jerking away

before Kiba could start chewing.

But the werewolf looked him in the eyes

As if perhaps measuring his size.

Before Naruto could even check

Kiba sank his fangs into his neck.

Naruto's blue eyes shot quite wide

And he gripped wereKiba's hairy hide.

And thus a great howl filled the night,

Giving everyone a chilling fright.

Now every month when the full moon comes around

The night is filled with an eerie sound.

Swift paws racing across the ground.

For every full moon at night

Kiba AND Naruto turn into drooling frights.

Hinata wears a helmet,

In case she should have to dive.

And Neji joined the Gorillaz band,

Happy to be alive.

And now Chouji walks around with a worried look,

Worried even with the precautions he took.

He held his chips in one hand, and a bone in the other

Just in case he should ever meet Kiba and his

New

Werewolf

Brother.

END OF CHAPTER 2

"Dude, that took so long to write!" Loki groaned.

RICK gave a shrug, "It's only because Nakadai wouldn't even let me get into it, or help her with the spelling at least.

_That's _why it took so long, because she's a procrastinator. But she still did a pretty good job."

Nakadai, who seemed to appear out of nowhere cheered, "Yes, Nakadai deserves praise, because Nakadai did a good job!"

RICK narrowed his eyes, "Why are you speaking in third person?"

Loki turned to look at her, "Seriously, that's creepy."

Nakadai smiled, "This one does not think so."

RICK laughed uneasily, "Ah, Wolf's Rain, she must have started watching them again. Don't watch episode thirty though, or all the happy will be sucked right out of you. I certainly don't want you going all emo on my ass ."

Nakadai exclaimed, "Kiba!"

Loki sighed, "Two worlds, two Kibas, and two obsessions."

RICK, "Well just stay happy cuz we have an awesome upcoming chapter that we ourselves have been dying to write. Tis awesome! The Akatsuki stew!"


End file.
